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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Must
Empires
Every
Sets
Never
British
Sky
Sun
Awfully
Humor
Rises
Morning
Crowded
Funny
Empire
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
