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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Rises
Morning
Crowded
Funny
Empire
Must
Empires
Every
Sets
Never
British
Sky
Sun
Awfully
More quotes by Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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