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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Rises
Morning
Crowded
Funny
Empire
Must
Empires
Every
Sets
Never
British
Sky
Sun
Awfully
More quotes by Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
