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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Rises
Morning
Crowded
Funny
Empire
Must
Empires
Every
Sets
Never
British
Sky
Sun
Awfully
More quotes by Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
