Quote

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
British
Sky
Sun
Awfully
Humor
Rises
Morning
Crowded
Funny
Empire
Must
Empires
Every
Sets

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright