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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Legs
Couldn
Friend
Humor
Went
Funny
House
Stairs
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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