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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Couldn
Friend
Humor
Went
Funny
House
Stairs
Legs

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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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