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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stairs
Legs
Couldn
Friend
Humor
Went
Funny
House
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
