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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Friend
Humor
Went
Funny
House
Stairs
Legs
Couldn

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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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