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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
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Took
Humor
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Funny
Potluck
White
Cake
Made
Chocolate
Stood
More quotes by Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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