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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stood
Line
Took
Humor
Lines
Funny
Potluck
White
Cake
Made
Chocolate
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
