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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
House
Tried
Speeding
Night
Lived
Officer
Around
Asked
Drove
Home
Late
Cop
Right
Humor
Pulled
Started
Officers
Came
Keys
Funny
Car
Unlock

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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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