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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fax
Machine
Machines
Humor
Waiting
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright