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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Sent
Birthday
Sister
Singing
Humor
Funny

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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