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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Birthday
Sister
Singing
Humor
Funny
Sent

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright