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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Singing
Humor
Funny
Sent
Birthday
Sister

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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What do batteries run on?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright