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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Sister
Singing
Humor
Funny
Sent
Birthday

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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