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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Sent
Birthday
Sister
Singing

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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