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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Sent
Birthday
Sister
Singing
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright