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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Models
Surgeons
Musician
Cowboy
Electricians
Follow
Delighted
Deposed
Humor
Lawyers
Electrician
Tree
Depressed
Cowboys
Funny
Dry
Deranged
Doesn
Musicians
Clergymen
Lawyer
Cleaners

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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