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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Pronounced
Number
Humor
Numbers
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright