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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Called
Funny
People
Poles
Holland
Poland
Holes
Aren
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
