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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Bottles
Stick
Sticks
Humor
Inside
Tarzan
Funny
Glue
Doesn
Beard
Bottle
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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