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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Glue
Doesn
Beard
Bottle
Bottles
Stick
Sticks
Humor
Inside
Tarzan
More quotes by Steven Wright
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright