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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Inside
Tarzan
Funny
Glue
Doesn
Beard
Bottle
Bottles
Stick
Sticks
Humor

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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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