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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Doesn
Beard
Bottle
Bottles
Stick
Sticks
Humor
Inside
Tarzan
Funny
Glue
More quotes by Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
