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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Bath
Baths
Wash
Clean
Aren
Humor
Funny
Use
Towels
More quotes by Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright