Quote

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Real
Liquid
Juice
Contains
Ingredients
Artificial
Mostly
Humor
Lemon
Funny
Lemons

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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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