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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Lemons
Real
Liquid
Juice
Contains
Ingredients
Artificial
Mostly
Humor
Lemon
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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