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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Contains
Ingredients
Artificial
Mostly
Humor
Lemon
Funny
Lemons
Real
Liquid
Juice
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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