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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Door
Doors
Humor
Open
Funny
Ajar
Jars
More quotes by Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
