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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ajar
Jars
Door
Doors
Humor
Open
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright