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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Scientist
Research
Humor
Call
Looking
Funny
Something
Scientists
More quotes by Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright