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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Cramps
Fish
Fishes
Eating
Humor
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright