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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Control
Battery
Funny
Batteries
Remote
Presses
Press
Harder
Humor
Dead
More quotes by Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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