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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Dead
Control
Battery
Funny
Batteries
Remote
Presses
Press
Harder

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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I took a baby shower.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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