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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Press
Harder
Humor
Dead
Control
Battery
Funny
Batteries
Remote
Presses
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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What do batteries run on?
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
