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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Dead
Control
Battery
Funny
Batteries
Remote
Presses
Press
Harder

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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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