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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Press
Harder
Humor
Dead
Control
Battery
Funny
Batteries
Remote
Presses

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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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