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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Harder
Humor
Dead
Control
Battery
Funny
Batteries
Remote
Presses
Press
More quotes by Steven Wright
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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