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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Light
Work
Would
Headlights
Speed
Car
Travel
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
