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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Car
Travel
Humor
Funny
Light
Work
Would
Headlights
Speed
More quotes by Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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