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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Travel
Humor
Funny
Light
Work
Would
Headlights
Speed
Car

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright