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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Work
Would
Headlights
Speed
Car
Travel
Humor
Funny
Light
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
