Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Headlights
Speed
Car
Travel
Humor
Funny
Light
Work
More quotes by Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
