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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Speed
Car
Travel
Humor
Funny
Light
Work
Would
Headlights
More quotes by Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
