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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Light
Work
Would
Headlights
Speed
Car
Travel
Humor
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
