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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Headlights
Speed
Car
Travel
Humor
Funny
Light
Work
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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