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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Psychics
Humor
Name
Names
Asks
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright