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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Full
Blank
Lasts
Tape
Last
Nuts
Funny
Played
Next
Door
Night
Doors
Humor
Mime
Went
Blast
More quotes by Steven Wright
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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