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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Went
Blast
Full
Blank
Lasts
Tape
Last
Nuts
Funny
Played
Next
Door
Night
Doors
Humor
Mime

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright