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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Next
Door
Night
Doors
Humor
Mime
Went
Blast
Full
Blank
Lasts
Tape
Last
Nuts
Funny
Played
More quotes by Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright