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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Last
Nuts
Funny
Played
Next
Door
Night
Doors
Humor
Mime
Went
Blast
Full
Blank
Lasts
Tape

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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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