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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Went
Blast
Full
Blank
Lasts
Tape
Last
Nuts
Funny
Played
Next
Door
Night
Doors
Humor
Mime
More quotes by Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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