Quote

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Went
Blast
Full
Blank
Lasts
Tape
Last
Nuts
Funny
Played
Next
Door
Night
Doors
Humor
Mime

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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright