Quote

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Mime
Went
Blast
Full
Blank
Lasts
Tape
Last
Nuts
Funny
Played
Next
Door
Night
Doors

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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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