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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Friends
Funny
Light
Bulb
Change
Housekeeping
Need
Bulbs
Needs
Ads
Saws
More quotes by Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
