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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Needs
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Humor
Friends
Funny
Light
Bulb
Change
Housekeeping
Need
Bulbs
More quotes by Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright