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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Friends
Funny
Light
Bulb
Change
Housekeeping
Need
Bulbs
Needs
Ads
Saws
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright