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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Saws
Humor
Friends
Funny
Bulb
Light
Housekeeping
Change
Bulbs
Need
Needs
Ads

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright