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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Items
Sign
Eight
Humor
Changed
Name
Names
Less

More quotes by Steven Wright

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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright
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What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright