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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Eight
Humor
Changed
Name
Names
Less
Funny
Items
Sign

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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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