Quote

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Names
Less
Funny
Items
Sign
Eight
Humor
Changed
Name

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
Image
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Image
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
Image
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
Image
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright
Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
Image
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
Image
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
Image
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
Image
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Image
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
Image
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
Image
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
Image
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
Image
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
Image
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
Image
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
Image
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright