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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Limits
Humor
Cop
Hours
Pulled
Funny
Limit
Going
Miles
Speed
Hour

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright