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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Speed
Hour
Limits
Humor
Cop
Hours
Pulled
Funny
Limit
Going
Miles

More quotes by Steven Wright

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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright