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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Pulled
Going
Limit
Miles
Speed
Hour
Limits
Humor
Hours
Cop

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright