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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Limits
Humor
Hours
Cop
Funny
Pulled
Going
Limit
Miles
Speed
Hour

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright